La Douleur Exquise

La Douleur Exquise - (n.) the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

WARNING: This post is very long, and maybe unrelatable or corny or both. Read at your own risk.

P.S. Jump to the end to see an awesome quote by Joey Comeau about unrequited love and moving the eff on.

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Do you remember the first time we met? I do. And I remember what I told myself then…that I'd never like you. You weren't my type. Actually, you were the exact opposite of my type. Not that you weren't a looker. You were, but not appealing. At least, not to me. So I thought it was safe. I could be around you without feeling awkward. I never got the vibe that you liked me that way either. So we hit it off. And I let down my guard. You were a jerk. But you weren’t a jerk to me.

We were comfortable enough to reveal ourselves. We admitted it probably won't work if we were each other's love interests. You laughed. I did, too. Because at that time, it was true. Even now, I believe it's still true. It would have a tragic ending, me and you. But now that I think about it, what made us say those things? Did we consider the possibility? Did you? I know I did. And to be honest, I did always come to the same conclusion: that it would be tragic, me and you.

I liked what we had. I liked how you were to me. I've never let anyone get through my wall before. And I guess I should have left it uncompromised, because that's where this all began. My wall was gone, so I leaned on you. You became my comfort zone. I thought it was alright. I thought we were normal. Nothing special. I was okay if I didn't see you. And if I did, then cool. Although I would honestly prefer having you around from time to time.

But it wasn't love. There, I dropped the L word. It's really no big deal. Despite my permission to let you in, I have always kept you at an arm's length away. Because I knew my limits. And I knew my own vulnerability. I can misunderstand easily. Still, I misunderstood. Little things, here and there. I tried to shake them off. Because I shouldn't care. Not too much, anyway. Not like this.

I knew my place. You made it clear. You made it clear when you brought her into the picture. I was like a girl with a basketful of apples. So careful to carry it all securely inside, as if no one should know what I had with me. But one apple had to fall…and then  another…and then another. It was slowly revealing what I was carrying. But just before anyone realized, I noticed what was happening and quickly picked each apple and hid them in my basket. So nobody knew. Not even you.

Quite a story, huh? Well, you make me think of random things. And I've always wondered why. Why such an effect on me? And why a different effect on you?

I wish you didn't tell me I was special. That did it, I guess. That's where I got curious. About whether you were curious, too. Curious about whether this has turned into something else. Or if I should allow it to be. And if I had allowed it, would you have shared the same feeling with me?

But then again she was always there to kill my curiosity. So I hide my apples in the basket again.

Is that what this is just? Curiosity? Because honestly, I still don't see it, me and you. But I get hurt. And sometimes scared…of our bond…of you. But when I ask myself if I love you, I still know that I don't. Was I just selfish? Did I just want your attention? I don't really know. And I'm afraid to know.

I blame myself though. I don't blame you. You never did anything. No. Never. None at all. Not a single move from you.

This is all one-sided. This is all just me. Just my thoughts.

I wonder how you are. I wonder if it was right to cut the strings. I wonder if you are okay not seeing me. I'm sure you are. I'm sure she keeps you busy.

What am I even re-analyzing this for? It's over, ice cream man. I'm gonna learn to love donuts.

"Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it’s best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It’s like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won’t give you any. Maybe he’s got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he’s being reasonable from his point of view. So don’t hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It’s ice cream or nothing? Don’t be an asshole. Learn to love donuts." 

- Joey Comeau