The Take Off

I finally did it. For the first time in a long time, I put myself out in the open; my intentions for everyone to see. I never tell anyone about my plans, sometimes not even my parents, for fear of humiliation when I fail. I have an immense fear of humiliation, which usually goes side by side with failure, which in turn translates to me not committing to anything, "just in case."

Well, today I kind of gradually made people know what I'm up to. And it actually feels good to just...be. No hiding, no working in the dark.

I currently have the liberty to think about my life goals [again], since I am once again out of the corporate world. I don't know how it happened, but one day (sometime last week) I just woke up and decided to stay true to what I like. Just a backgrounder, I have been job-hopping and jumping from one "business idea" to another for a good 3 years now. None of which apparently worked for me, because I never believed in them in the first place. Although I am confident that I could do anything that I set my heart into [self-praise coming through], the main problem was, I didn't know where my heart should lie.

Or I knew, I just wouldn't admit to it because it didn't seem to get the approval of the majority of people who matter to me. And so I never really explored the idea. But as I tried to follow the norm, in came the sense of un-belonging, which just placed me in the purgatory of inconsistency. I was on auto-pilot and was all over the place like spilled milk, trickling to all directions over the floor. It was messy.

But now that I got my second chance, I decided to pick a card and go. To go with my gut-feel and pursue something so niche, it just might get me nowhere. But that's just one side of the coin. I choose to see the glass half-full. It becomes especially real now that I've told some of my friends about it (just some, not all. I'm taking baby steps). And I'm glad to see that they actually support me. I can feel that some of them still don't get why--that after a degree in a good university, and almost 6 years of work experience in various industries, I'd choose to go back to square one. But at the very least, nobody tried to dissuade me. A few even offered to help me in my re-education, which is great.

While it is true that I created some kind of pressure for me to succeed on this venture, it has also created a challenge to focus on one goal. In other words, I have finally forced myself to commit.

Now I'm not saying that this is all going to work out just because I chose to be honest about myself. But I would at least achieve the feeling of contentment, for staying true to myself and what I love to do, and--for once in my life--not having any what ifs. Maybe now is the perfect time to pick up where I left off some 13 years ago.

Let's see where this takes me.