Di na napigilan. Sabi nga ni Alden Richards, "What's bound to happen will find its way." So eto na nga, my age found its way to 31 years. Haha! Oddly, I felt very differently compared to my other birthdays in the past. I usually would be very unwilling to celebrate getting a year older. Especially last year, when I had to say goodbye to my 20s.
But today I woke up and realized, "Grabe, ang ganda at napakatalented kong tao. And 31 years na akong ganito."
LOL! Birthday ko, pagbigyan.
When I was 20 years old, my vision of myself 10 years later was so different from who I was at the time, so I figured I would slowly try to change towards that "new me."
And here I am, 11 years later...
Absolutely the same as I was and nowhere near my envisioned 30-year old version. But contrary to the usual emotions I had--regret, disappointment, and frustration--I now feel very unburdened, and hopeful for things to come. I used to think that I wasted my youth, and that I had lived a passive life. I still think I did, and I know that there are things that I can no longer do. But then, I have been looking at a half-empty glass all these years, and that has to change now. Even though I cannot re-engineer the past, I can still mold the future. There are so many other things that I can still do and explore moving forward, so that I won't be feeling regretful again.
I don't know if dahil 'to sa nakain kong durian, but I now have a renewed confidence in myself (oo, hindi pa ako confident sa lagay na yon dati). I am slowly learning to be more comfortable in my own skin. I am aware of my eccentricity (thus, the blog title) and would catch myself trying to cover it up in my attempt to seem normal (haha). And then I read this quote on Facebook:
"Work for a CAUSE, not for applause. Live life to EXPRESS, not to impress. Don't strive to make your presence noticed, just MAKE YOUR ABSENCE FELT."
In short, the art of keberness. Do what you want to do. Don't try to belong to a circle, draw your own. BOOM. Paki-patent please.
Anyway, that said, I will continue writing these things that I like to call songs or poems, dahil gusto ko lang, kung hindi niyo ikakagalit. :) Music has been a passion ever since I was a fetus (no, kidding. My mama would play the radio right beside her belly when she was pregnant with me), and I have always loved reading analogies to life and love. Put them together and what have we got? My very awesome songs, of course. Haha! But seriously, I don't aim to become the next Taylor Swift or something (but it would nice if I get John Mayer's attention /wink with matching beautiful eyes/). This is an outlet for me, and if it can inspire anyone, or at least give people the courage to express themselves in any way, then that would be a plus.
Here's one I wrote on my birthday. Happy 31st to me!
(P.S. I've included a line here that I based from a story our parish priest shared during the homily last Sunday... about a man who got stranded on an island. He built a hut, but it burned down so he blamed God for not helping him. Turns out the smoke from the fire signaled a ship that happened to pass by, and so he was saved.
So thank You, GOD for continuing to carry me, even during my darkest days when I had also questioned Your ways. I have lived 31 years surrounded by Your blessings. I believe You have Your plan for me. And on my part, I will continue to make good use of the life You gave me.)
***
Another year, another candle to wish on
Another hope, a longer rope to hang on
It's that time of the year
The past reappears
To see how far you've gone
One and thirty years and still no clue
What now? What's ahead? What is left to do?
Stared at my reflection
"You had it wrong," it said,
"There's no destination
You'll see where you are when this ends."
Everyday is a war and each day is a fight
One's never prepared but required to strike
If I lose to the fire, let the smoke send the sign
That I've lived my life
My path could stray 'cause heart won over mind
I'd try 'til I burn looking for what I find
When time calls us out to recall our lives
Mine would be worth the while
At 31 you can't avoid
Expectations fenced around your voice
Just shout it all out, let the light hit your skin
It's all black and white, you lose or you win
Only when you jump blindly will you find out
If you can fly
My path could stray 'cause heart won over mind
I'd try 'til I burn looking for what I find
If I lose to the fire, let the smoke send the sign
That I've lived my life...
I would live my life...
Make it all worth the while...
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