The Art Of Keberness

"It's about mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

I remember one colleague telling me how we were a great pair: manhid siya, ako naman walang pakialam. I laughed when she said that because it was true. Everytime we were in the hot seat (which was quite often, but most of the time uncalled for), she would not be aware na kami na ang pinariringgan. As for me, nakukuha ko pa rin ngumiti/tumawa. Our other officemates would laugh at us when they see us coming out from an intense meeting seemingly unscathed and talking happily, as if we were having the best day ever. 

It's not that I'm levelheaded or extremely patient or anything like that. In fact, I get hurt easily. And contrary to what others think, I actually get angry/pikon easily, too. But my emotions, just like the photos below...are filtered (lelz). I choose what to feel, and in moments when I think feeling is not necessary, I practice the Art of Keberness.

So ano nga ba ang Art of Keberness?

It is the ability to show no emotion or reaction; a lack of response otherwise expected from negative situations, backlash, misjudgments, etc. 

(Siyempre gawa-gawa ko lang yang definition na yan. Pero aminin niyo parang true. Ang galing ko e.)

When I was younger, I would always mind what others would say about me...how I would look in front of people. I minded too much, that I would find myself limiting my actions to what I supposed other people would approve. I would put my head down in front of those whom I thought were at a higher level than I was, even though I was on the right. But as I grew older I started to question how that has benefited me -- if it benefit me at all. Malamang hindi. Mas na-stress pa nga ako lalo because I wasn't able to express myself or do what I actually wanted to do. 

So eventually, I learned to "keber." LOL. Napakasimple. Napaka-walang sense pakinggan. Pero mahirap isapuso. Not many people can say it and really mean it. May iba na sasabihin, "kebs!" pero nangingilid ang luha sa inis. Saying "kebs" means whatever happens, you will stick with your decision, or will do what you think should be done...manigas sila. It also means keeping a forward-looking attitude. That instead of crying over spilled milk -- wallowing over something that can no longer be undone -- you keep your cool and start thinking of a solution, as if saying, "yeah, it's unfortunate but that's life so let's get over this and move on."

So how do I keber?

You have to start being selfish. You have to start prioritizing yourself before others. I wasn't happy when I needed to conform to belong...to act a certain way out of character just so I would gain "friends." I realized that while I kept doing this, madalas may nang-aabuso. And all I really gained from it is a more shallow personality. Mas bumaba ang tingin ko sa sarili ko, and yun din ang napro-project ko sa ibang tao. 

Keberness is learning to say "no," which must be the hardest to do for most people. Don't believe Elton John when he said "'Sorry' seems to be the hardest word." It's not. It's actually "NO." LOL. I admit, minsan pinagpapawisan ako just to utter that 2-letter word. But think about it, if you keep saying yes even if you meant no, people will assume that you're okay with it, and you'll have to keep saying yes. O edi sinong nastress? IKAW LANG. Ginusto mo yan e.

So I forced myself to control my reaction. Ang first instinct ko kasi is to please people. But you'd be surprised at how many people actually appreciate honesty. Corny kasi yung agree na lang nang agree. Walang sariling opinion. Sometimes, you have to put up a little fight.

Keberness is also kawalan ng hiya. It's funny to hear some people say they don't want to eat alone "kasi baka sabihin ng iba, blah blah..." But shouldn't you just eat if you're really hungry? No one cares if you eat alone. Actually, no one cares, period. May pagka-feelingera din kasi tayo e. We think people around us are always at the edge of their seats watching our every move. When in reality, wala silang pakialam. First of all, these people are strangers who have their own lives and their own problems. They have no time to care about the trivial choices you make in life. Ikaw ba, at night before you sleep, pinoproblema mo ba yung mga taong nakita mo na kumakain mag-isa? Ina-assess mo ba ang buhay nila? Hindi, diba? Bakit? Kasi wala kang pakialam sa kanila. And believe it or not, ganun din sila sa'yo. So don't let yourself go through all that trouble. Baka mahimatay ka pa. Magdine-in ka na, utang na loob.

Just like the photos above. That's my pagod-ako-at-uupo-ako-kahit-saan-walang-pakialaman collage. My trip to Taiwan with my friend Jing was a walkathon in disguise. I got so tired that I squat at the TRA station while we were waiting for the train. The middle photo was when we were waiting to cross the street. The 2 other photos on the left were taken during my trip to Japan with the 'rents. We were queuing for Tokyo Skytree tickets and I sat in the midst of excited people because the line wasn't moving. A few people stared, pero KEBS. Hindi ko pipiliting magka-varicose veins just to make them feel at ease. Kung sila mahilig tumayo kahit pagod, puwes ako mahilig umupo.

Going back to my experience with my former colleague, keberness is also a way of filtering your emotions. You have to know which emotion should be felt. Ask yourself if it's worth risking a heart attack or earning another wrinkle on your forehead. This leads us back to selfishness. Ako kasi, bukod sa selfish ako, tamad din ako. Nakakapagod kaya mag-isip ng problema. Ayoko ng hina-hassle ang sarili ko. When there's a real problem, I get easily distracted (from work, or whatever it is I'm supposed to be busy with). So I choose which situations I would allow to distract me. Kung wala namang kwenta, wag na pagtuunan ng pansin or palakihin pa. Aberya. Mapapagod lang ako. And ayoko na napagagod. Kasi nga tamad ako. :P 

I do know it's hard to hold back a reaction. I did have moments when I just gave in and threw a fit. But you know how they say to take 10 deep breaths when something/someone is getting on your nerves? That actually works. It gives you time to think of a more reasonable counter argument, or at the very least, think of a way to make your opponent annoyed (LOL). I realized the most annoying response you can give an infuriated adversary is a plain and simple "okay," in a tone that says, "Okay, I hear you. Now sit down and be humbled by my composure." Hahaha! Ang pikon nga kasi ang talo diba? It's always better when ikaw ang magaan ang loob tapos yung kalaban ang nagngingitngit sa galit. Besides, keeping your cool gives you a head start to rise above the occasion and move on to doing things that are more worthy of your time.

One thing I learned from Andrew Matthews' book, Happiness Now, is that it's hard to change other people, because you have no control over them. The only person you can control is yourself. YOU choose the people whom you allow to affect you. There's always a choice. "Choose happy" nga daw diba? In the end, it all boils down to loving yourself, and your commitment to making your life easier.